Reality Sets In At 31.

I've always been a crotchety old man trapped in a young man's body: I walk to downtown Stillwater to see how high the river is, I keep bird feeders and change my feed in order to steal my neighbor's cardinals, I look out the window and shake an imaginary cane at the riff-raff passing by on their bikes. Music and TV were better back in the day, they don't make good stuff anymore, and I wish they'd just settle on a form of technology so we don't have to keep buying new DVD's and TV's.

(ahhh... the northern cardinal. add sunflower seeds to your mix to attract these lovely birds)


At the same time, I considered myself young: I could eat what I want and still fit into my 30x32 pants, the same size as in high school, I can play basketball with my young nephews every Wednesday and keep up, I can set the clock on the VCR when needed. I still rock out on my guitar every night and I can play the occasional videogame.

It's been a few months since my 31st birthday. I still fit into my 30x32's, but now the start of what looks to be a gut hangs over. Wha?

I weighed myself. I am now 154... that's 24 pounds heavier than my highschool-college weight! Apparently my body forgot how to lose weight by watching Saved By The Bell reruns.

Each time my wife cuts my hair, she has to ask what I want to do with my hairline. Once a month it creeps back, leaving stray hairs behind. I tell her to shave 'em off like the last time. Walking past a window downtown Stillwater, I noticed the sun glaring off my thinned out scalp and reflecting back at me, laughing, Ha Ha, baldy! Why don't you stop inside the antique shop? I know you want to! Damn sun.

It's official. I am old.

I now have to watch what I eat. To make it worse, I have to work off what I consume! Even worse: I went out and purchased running shoes and a pedometer! I now run a few miles every other day... and that's just to break even! I used to run in track back in the day, but now my muscles hurt a bit more than I remember and I don't remember sweating so much either. Sigh.

You know I went to see Deicide last time they came to the 'cities. I brought earplugs with me.

Sigh.

In reality, I think it's fun. I like to back up my old fogie attitude with a body that matches. I like to grunt and grab my back every time I get up from the lazy boy. I've earned it and I love it. My wife and I are going to grow reaaallly old together I and look forward to each surprise.

Did I mention my grey hair?