12-18

Today marks the 4th year since my dad lost his battle with cancer. Each "anniversary" of his death (can we come up with a different word for this? "Anniversary" sounds so happy...), I like to reflect on the life I had with him and the life I've been leading without him. Taking this sort of personal inventory has helped me keep my focus through tougher times while making me think he'd be proud of me through the better ones.

When my dad was slipping away from us, I had a chance to talk to him alone--knowing it was probably the last time I'd be able to say something that he'd have the possibility to understand. Beyond telling him that I loved him, that I'd help look after Mom and the family, etc., I also told him that I would do two things: I'd go back to school someday to finish my degree, and I'd marry my long-time girlfriend. To be honest, I really doubted the school thing. How could I go back with my full-time job and my other financial responsibilities? I think that I was just telling him something that I wished would be true instead of something that I planned to make happen.

My dad made an audible grunt/sigh after I was done talking, so I think he heard me... I don't really know if he understood.

A couple years ago, I did half of what I said I'd do--I married my wonderful wife, Karla. Little did I know, though, that life with her would put me in such a better place that I gained the support and stability needed to pursue returning to the U of MN after dropping out 6 years prior. It hasn't been easy. I had to take a midnight shift to juggle my class and work schedules. I HARDLY see my wife anymore during the week and I am often too tired to do much with her on the weekends. It's definitely been a trial for both of us and I wouldn't have even attempted this without Karla's unflinching support. Barring any surprises, I will graduate this spring and I'll be able to tell my paw on Father's Day that I completed both of my goals.

Losing your dad at any time of your life is tough--but losing him during your late 20's adds some more stress. I am old enough to have new challenges and real-life responsibilities (like home ownership, being a husband, etc.) but young enough to still need his advice. Luckily, I have plenty of friends and family around me to help out... but sometimes you just need your dad. To be able to say on our yearly sum-up that things are relatively well and I am finally on my way to finishing off what I promised to him before he passed makes the struggle worth it.

Lastly, I am posting this not to toot my own horn, but to serve as a sort of memorial for my paw. I sometimes like to use this site as a means to sort out my feelings in journal form, and to use the publicly-accessible space to advertise how cool my dad was; plus I hope that some person could be helped out by this somehow. I read a book a few years back by drummer, Neil Peart, titled Ghost Rider which tells his story of coping with the loss of his daughter and his wife. Peart mentioned how he would write to his daughter in journal-form as if he were sending her letters updating her on what was going on. I bought a journal on my dad's birthday 2 years ago and tried the same thing. Although my entries have slipped off from time to time, I found it to be the one of best means of dealing with the loss--AND with remembering the life I had with him. It's a coping device that I recommend to anyone in a similar situation.