Barry Bonds or Plato... who is the greater Philosophical mind?
Man, what a great show Barry Bonds gave the sports world yesterday afternoon. Not since Bill Clinton have I heard a more slippery press conference. It's amazing how this athlete could turn direct questions about steroids and cheating in baseball into an upper-level philosophy of language college course. The press conference was almost surreal... it read just like one of Plato's dialogs:
Pressimicus: Barry, did you use steroids?
Bondscrates: Use? How do you mean, use?
P: I don't follow, please enlighten me, Bondscrates.
B: Would you say that an archer uses his arm or his arrow?
P: Naturally, he uses his arrow.
B: Would it follow, then, that a fisherman uses his rod and not his wrist?
P: Surely.
B: So then, it can be concluded that I use my bat and not steroids, correct?
P: Yes. I suppose so.
B: Would you say, then, that I use steroids, Pressimicus?
P: Heavens, no! You merely use your bat.
B: Any other questions?
Pressicles: Bondscrates, would injecting yourself with a performance enhancing substance be considered cheating?
B: Cheating? What is cheating?
P: I don't follow.
B: Is it cheating for a shoemaker to use a hammer instead of his bare hands?
P: Of course not.
B: Is it cheating for a horseman to use a saddle rather than to ride bareback?
P: No.
B: Is it cheating then, for a batsman to use a tool to augment his bat?
P: It follows that it is certainly not cheating to do so, wise Bondscrates.
B: Would you call performance enhancing substances a tool?
P: Yes.
B: So it would follow, then, my dear Pressicles, that it is not cheating to use performance enhancing substances to augment my batting.
P: You are as wise as you are beefy, my dear Bondscrates!
B: Any other inquiries from my audience?
Pressistotle: Are you going to beat the Babe's record?
B: Let me ask you this: Am I a black man?
P: Wha? Where did that come from?
AND SO FORTH....
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